Monday, March 28, 2011

In Dreams

I really believe in dreams. Why would we get these visions of what COULD be? In the Prometheus story, "blind hope" is the one "evil" that didn't escape from Pandora's Box. It is this "blind hope" that keeps us from remembering our mortality, it gives us aspiration ad infinitum to our numbered days. It is evil, because in most cases it becomes a pursuit of vanity and futility. Whether you believe in God, a Higher Power, or the collective consciousness, then dreams are a type of communication. Our free will is the choice of how we participate with that communication. I can't explain how I've known so positively that something was going to happen and it did, outside of this mystic communication. Sometimes, the greater Communicator knew to trick me into following one thought so that I would discover another more important participation or reveal a greater understanding. The hardest "dreams" are the ones that require changes in our personality or our character. Pop artist, Katy Perry has a song called Teenage Dream and I've searched deep inside of me for several monthes to try and uncover what my teenage dreams were, so that I could honor them. I recently came to see that one of my biggest dreams as a teenager was to be in a relationship with someone I went to school with, to marry her and have kids with her and have that... wholesome American Family Life. She and I would talk all the time in High School. We were worlds apart-- I was the semi-outcast eccentric artist that could fit in anywhere and she was the head cheerleader (the nice one, not the "mean girl" one) who I think also felt misunderstood in many ways. Politically, we could never be, and so it was, that our friendship was very personal and mostly realized in phone conversations and rarely in physical existence. Day after day, for hours on end we would laugh and talk about things we liked and what we saw in our young worlds. Very few people knew about it or understood, but we were able to find a good-hearted mutual admiration for each other and kept it well nurtured with sincere conversation. It was never a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing, but in a young romantic mind, I saw a future there once the high school sociology was removed, but never rested much hope in it, because I was going to go to school in New York and she was going to stay in Texas and I had bigger dreams that I would bring back when we were much older. It's all quite laughable now-- looking back... but isn't it something we've all dreamed in some way. The teenage dream, not just a relationship, but a dream career or some ambition that "got away". A few years ago, I was at the end of my rope. My life was completely made of other people's choices and I lived for the affirmation of pleasing someone else. The misery of denying my earliest dreams at the expense of what I was told I "should" have was more than I could bear anymore and so I walked away from it all. I left the keys on the table, and walked out the door with two bags and a bus ticket for Chicago. When I got to Chicago, I started at the very bottom of society's sense of status, but I had one thing that very few people above me had, the dream of a 7-year old intact in my heart. It carried me through some VERY uncomfortable moments... Flash forward to "just recently" when I revisited my teenage dream with the cheerleader... what I realized... some dreams require someone else's participation. It's kind of a bitter pill to take... that that dream will never be realized.

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