Saturday, February 13, 2010

Getting Out of the Boat pt. 1

I was married 2004 and then divorced in 2006. When you're married many parts of your life are assumed to be planned out and when you become divorced many of those things are not.

My mother raised me with the sensibility to consider all of my options and think about my decisions. Over the course of my life, I've determined that I was actually learning how to be indecisive. When I left my former wife, I consider that decision to be one that was made by me and for me. I began to open my eyes to the many years that I let other people make decisions for me; college, where I lived, who I dated... I felt as if there was a whole life that I was filled with that was not what I made, that I had really only had the executive power of line-item veto, that eventually led to me pissing everyone off all the time because I was only partially interested in their agenda.

Life became very lonely. I dissipated into escape. Days were spent curled up in bed and nights out drinking myself to forget. I would go up and down and each time down would be lower than before. Sadly, this is how my best friend died a few years ago. She literally drank herself to death. I recognized that I was beginning to follow that same path.

I heard a Tim McGraw song "Live Like You Were Dying" and realized that I had to start doing the things that I've always wanted to do. I didn't know if I would die that week or when I was 115, but I needed to start living. It took a few days for me to build up the courage to make the decision, but I knew I've always wanted to live in Chicago. I decided on a Friday in June, and on Sunday a friend bought 2 paintings... I was on a bus Monday morning with 2 bags, 400 bucks ($500 more wired soon) no friends waiting for me, no job ahead of me, never been to Chicago, no house lined up...

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